


I Don't Know How To Love Him

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [2]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, You've heard of Porn without Plot, but here we are, dying, jesus christ superstar lyrics, kiss, mentions of mary magdalene, now get ready for Angst without plot, or even crack, this was supposed to be fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 08:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13383780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: I was thinking about Judas singing parts of 'I Don't Know How To Love Him' to himself, before 'Judas' Death'. It was supposed to be lighthearted, if a little sad.But, alas, here is some heavy angst, vaguely based on the above idea.





	I Don't Know How To Love Him

Judas is mad. 

He is so angry, he cannot contain it. He knows what he has to do and for the first time he can ignore the little voice in the back of his head that screams 'no', thanks to this anger.

He heard the end of what Mary confessed to Jesus' unhearing ears. Ironically Judas heard them. He wishes he didn't. His rage boiled over, he acted out. He doesn't know what compelled him to try and kiss Jesus and he doesn't ponder on it.

Jesus slapped him. Jesus never ever hurt anybody, no animal, much less any human. Judas knows Jesus is done with him. How can he ever want anything more to do with him?

At this Judas feels understanding; he too wants to slap himself, punish himself. Jesus is - was - the best thing that ever happened to him. Now he ruined it.

So deep in thought Judas is at his destination in seemingly no time. The next hour or so passes in a flurry of anger, hatred, denial and heartbreak. He betrays Jesus, barely sparing it a second thought. He feels the silver coins heavy and cold against his leg all the way back. He has words stuck in his head, again he wishes he didn't; they are Mary's words and anger swells in Judas' chest.

He stops at a deserted dark alley and throws up. The cold weight of the coins presses against his leg and pulls him down. Panting he sits for a while and tries to calm himself.

He realises what he has done. He realises he has made it final. He realises he has signed off Jesus' end.

Again the words echo within his mind: 'I don't know how to love him'. Did he not love Jesus? He always thought so but could you betray somebody you love? Could you hurt somebody you love? Could you force yourself on somebody you truly love?

Judas fights, he fights so hard to keep his tears back. His throat aches from throwing up, his heart aches from breaking, his legs ache from the cold weight pressing against them.

Breathing helps.

Judas eventually makes it back. Time has lost its meaning. It is night again. He slept. But he doesn't know how much.

They are eating. Babbling about the upcoming weekend. If only they knew.

Judas cannot eat. His throat is closed up. Jesus' words don't help. He speaks about his body like bread, his blood like wine. How is Judas supposed to ever eat again? How can Jesus talk about his own death like this? As if it doesn't affect him? Like a cold, dead reminder, the silver rests in the pocket against his leg. And Judas is angry; he is so angry because Jesus is not. Because Jesus talks so lightly of denial. Judas wants to strangle Peter.

He doesn't understand why one would deny Jesus.

Jesus also talks lightly of betrayal. Judas' anger reaches its peak because Jesus wants to protect him. Even now after all of what Judas has done, Jesus does not name him to be condemned by his fellow apostles. Judas challenges him.

He lets his anger loose. He screams. He has wanted to for some time. He never did but now he cannot stop his words.

Jesus screams back and though it should have hurt, it soothes Judas. Jesus shows his emotions; stops denying them, stops acting like he is above everything.

Judas suffers through Jesus' accusations. Then tells him everything. How he never wanted this, how he only wanted to help him. He doesn't wait to see Jesus' reaction. He knows he couldn't stomach it.

He has no strength left. He tumbles, falls, his knee bleeds but he barely feels a thing. The money presses into his leg like a branding iron made of ice. He tries to open the bag, throw it away. His hands shake, he has no secure grip on anything, breathing heavily he leans against a wall.

Again, he wants to cry. He doesn't even have the strength to keep the tears back but his tear ducts are dry like the unforgiving desert.

Slowly he makes his way to who he now knows to be Jesus' murderers. All of them. And Judas too.

Judas nearly breaks down several times on their way to Gethsemane. Only the thought of seeing Jesus one last time keeps him upright.

'I never thought I'd come to this,' echoes through his mind. 'What's it all about?'

Judas swallows. He knows what it's about. He wants Jesus more than anything.

He knows it cannot happen. It could never have happened. But now he ruined Jesus. He ruined his life in the most literal sense, he hurt him and ultimately killed him.

They turned a corner and saw his 'friends' all asleep. They cannot even stay awake for Jesus. Again anger wells up in Judas but it ebbs away as soon as he sees Jesus. Kneeling on the ground. His back to Judas. Weeping.

It breaks Judas' shattered heart into even more pieces. He lets out a shuddering breath, suddenly he finds strength again. He realises he has to be strong for Jesus.

Judas loses his composure when he nears Jesus. He looks wrecked. He clearly cried. His beautiful face swollen up, racked with pain, agony, his breaths heavy, hair tangled.

Judas falls to his knees, he only feels the pain dulled behind many layers of emotions.

He reaches his hand out instinctively, as he always does with Jesus, to cup his cheek, look into his eyes. He sees sadness, rage and determination. He knows Jesus has come to a closure. It makes him want to scream. Beat Jesus into understanding that this is not the answer. Acceptance can not, can never be the answer. Judas wants to take action, just make Jesus see.

Jesus reaches out and Judas loses his will to change these decisions.

Jesus reaches out and Judas loses his composition. He feels the tears build, threaten to spill over. He does not fight them.

Jesus reaches out and Judas loses his ability to think. Breathe. Live.

Jesus pulls him down, Judas realises through the fuzz of tears, Jesus is kissing him. Judas wants this and so much more. Tears roll over his cheek as he brings up his other hand and buries it into Jesus' hair.

'He scares me so.' The words still echo in Judas' mind.

What makes this better than he could ever have expected was that Jesus initiated this kiss. Jesus wants this. Jesus clings to him, searches for purchase on Judas' shirt, eventually digs his fingernails into Judas' back.

His lips are soft, the stubble of his beard scratchy, his cheeks are damp with tears. Judas wishes this to be all he will ever feel.

The kiss ends too soon. Judas' heart is beating too fast; he is dizzy, aloof, shaky. Jesus still clings to him and Judas wraps his arms around the man. It is the best feeling to finally hold him and be held by him. For this short moment Judas can ignore the cold hard feeling of sharp-edged coins against his thigh.

'I love him so,' Judas hears in his head. He knows now, that he does. Now, when it's too late.

Jesus presses his face into Judas' chest, sniffles, tightens the embrace of his arms.

Judas rests his cheek against Jesus' scalp, inhales his scent, tightens the grip to the back of Jesus' head.

He hears words being spoken, feels Jesus pull away, all that was on his mind, vanishes, except the faint echo of those words, said by Mary, softly. Thought by himself, vehemently.

He drags himself out of this headspace when he hears Jesus utter his name.

'Must you betray me with a kiss?'

Judas hasn't kissed him.

Jesus had the initiative.

Seconds later, there is a knife to Judas' throat. He is being held back where he had moved towards Jesus and now he couldn't anymore. No more. Never.

It occurs to him then that Jesus didn't mean this kiss.

Judas betrayed him when he tried to kiss Jesus, earlier, tried to force Jesus, tried to make himself known, stupidly. This was the end and Judas didn't know.

Judas breaks down. This time, when Jesus kissed him it was not his betrayal, it was not filled with hostile emotions. It was a goodbye.

It was a confession.

Tears roll down from Judas' eyes.

Jesus knows. Jesus feels it too.

The cold pieces of shiny metal, that won't let Judas forget, what he did to Jesus, they will kill Judas as well.

Their weight pulls Judas under, he is drowning in this stream of heartbreak and loss.


End file.
